How Loss Can Remind You of 6 Important Things in Life
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Today’s topic may sound somber, but it is filled with lessons that have opened my eyes and I hope that they will also be teachings that can assist you with not only living a more purposeful life, but as always help you grow more towards becoming the greatest version of yourself.
I recently experienced a miscarriage, and I cannot even begin to tell you the emotional turmoil I endured as a result. As a mother of two children, I can tell you that I felt utterly blindsided, and if you would like to read the entire special blog that is dedicated to our little angel who is no longer with us, then you may find it HERE. A separate video is located HERE.
What I am here to tell you is the profound impact this deep loss had on me. As someone who is constantly on the move; preparing, creating, serving; I rarely have moments that I sit without any schedule. For me, reflection, resting and self-care are parts of my agenda (even if they last minutes), thus do not fall into this category. What I am referring to are moments of blanks and nothing-to-dos that cause one to wonder where life is headed.
Through my healing process, I experienced blanks that I never thought I would have to go through. In fact, it was a personal ache that set my soul on fire, and forever changed my life. I do not think that a loss is something that one can ever truly forget or heal from, but you can find ways to honor those who are no longer in our physical midst. I am making sure to remember our third baby and honoring that life each chance I get.
One of the important life lessons I was reminded of is to never take anything for granted. I mentioned this in my previous podcast episode, but I will explain why it is more than that. This is because this situation is deeper than just an appreciation of the people and things around you and the experiences you have had. It is about learning to remain stable on a tightrope; delicately balancing the blessings you possess coupled with the things and people you had to let go alongside future endeavors who want to pursue.
As I embarked on the journey of my third pregnancy, I literally stated that it wasn’t my first “rodeo”. Due to the two previous “normal” pregnancies, I did not, even for the slightest bit, entertain uncertainty that things may not proceed as expected. I was filled with confidence (and why not?) even as I planned to adjust my activities and weightlifting regimen. I have done it twice before, and I was going to do it again. In fact, I was set on making even better choices while running a non-profit and business, being a content creator and continuing to raise our children. Therefore, when it happened, it introduced a sense of astonishment that rocked me to my core. As I mentioned, my full story will be explained explained in a separate blog and vlog piece.
Now that I have experienced a miscarriage, I look back and I tell myself that I would not do anything different in the future. It is a reflection of embracing where I have been in order to get to where I am going. Sounds familiar? Yes, there will be questions, but I will look to the future with curiosity and enthusiasm.
Many wonder how they can appreciate and be content with what they have while wanting better for the future. The people around us whom we love, the things we possess, and the experiences we have had have brought us to this moment. Yet, there is always a yearning for something more and I believe that there is a difference between working towards being the best version of yourself and greediness. I will talk more about this in a separate blog, but what I can tell you is that reflection can help you get clarity. You can love what you have, and still have a plan for what you need to pursue. The important aspect of that last statement is the plan. Do not take time for granted (present and future) and put off things you should be doing. Creating actionable steps that do not negatively affect who we are is what will reveal to you that what you want for the future, is truly what you desire.
Following that lesson was; do not be filled with fear regarding the unknown. Immediately following my miscarriage, I was filled with constant concern regarding the future. In fact, while others were telling me that I could still have another child; at that moment, I couldn’t even fathom the thought of getting pregnant again. However, time has shown me that IT (time itself) is what I needed. I needed time to process what had happened, and to go through what my next point will explain. As I did that, asked myself questions and reflected, I felt the concern starting to dissolve. If fear incessantly nags at you, begin to ask yourself why then start the process to address it from the root you discover.
In addition, my experience also taught me that the only true way to heal is THROUGH the pain and allowing ourselves to feel. I was very emotional the few weeks following the miscarriage and I still am. When I tried to move quickly through my feelings, they began to manifest in the form of physical pain and affect me; I was actually in the ER with stroke-like symptoms. Pretending that everything is alright when it is not goes against the very nature of your inner being; it is the epitome of declaring a war with oneself. Therefore, I did not suppress or hide my emotions after that; I actually allowed them to reign because sadness and healing do not have specified timeframes. I embraced encouragement and hope, but I also acknowledged the pain I experienced by losing our child. In order to better understand my inner workings and heal from my grief, I have also scheduled sessions with a therapist for the first time. I am lucky that these will be covered by insurance, but if you find yourself needing one, look for pro-bono therapists in your area or a close friend you trust who can hold space for you.
The next thing I learnt is that accepting help is more important now than ever. This pertains to more than just my loss. We are in the midst of a pandemic that has affected all of us. From my nonprofit’s professional team to my family, the people in my life have held space for me. If others offer help, accept it and be clear if you need something done in a specific manner. I know it is easier to give than take, but we should all find the courage to place pride, proving fierce independence, amongst other self-limiting feelings aside to accept help from others. Receiving requires strength and vulnerability. There is a part of us that will have to be open and vulnerable in order for us to let others in to assist. If you find yourself struggling with the urge to resist, find the cause or confide in someone regarding your hesitation. The world could do more with acts of kindness, and we should not be at the center of preventing that flow of positivity that could very well alter the trajectory of the challenges we face.
In addition, I learnt that some of the situations or things in my life that seemed to bother me, no longer mattered. The weight of my loss was enough to render many things irrelevant. This goes hand in hand with letting go of things that no longer serve you, deserve your attention and things that will not help you move forward. Loss is a hard blow; one that creates a void that cannot ever be really filled. Our job is not to fill that void, but to allow it to help us find ways that we can move forward. After the initial darkness, it clears our vision and gives us an opportunity to figure out what we now want out of life and how to proceed. All of a sudden, many of the things that were occupying my mental space seemed trivial. Not because the sadness made me lose interest or give up; but it reminded me of the fact that the time that we have is limited, and that we should focus on what brings us joy, what challenges us and what helps us grow.
The last I was reminded of (and you heard this in my last episode as well) by my miscarriage is that nothing is ever guaranteed. As we navigate life, we are filled with hopes and dreams. Days of laughter and challenges with our families rule our day, and there are those who do, but there are many as well who do not spend their days living in constant, non-stop “fear.” Each morning I wake up, I say a prayer of thanks for being able to get through the night. When I return home, I thank God for getting me back safely. During my night showers, I am thankful for the strength I was given to get through the day. There are many who do not get the chance to do those things daily. As the water flows, I allow gratitude to drive me. To me, because nothing is ever guaranteed, I live a life of “thank-yous” for the experiences I have DAILY.
As much as we desire, we do not have complete or ultimate control over EVERYTHING that comes our way or happens to us. The only thing that matters is how we chose to respond and how we will move forward. Those things beyond our control? They are inevitable. Therefore, have those dreams, and be led not by society, but by sincere personal yearning. Turn your dreams into reality by writing them down and discovering the steps that will help you get there. Nothing is ever guaranteed, but the way forward is to TRY because ANYTHING is possible.
Before we part ways and meet in the next episode, let include an excerpt from my upcoming pregnancy loss blog:
How do you cope postpartum without a baby to show for it? How do you march on with the emptiness? There is no definitive answer. As the days went by and the warmth return (literally as the temperatures had previously dropped), I felt myself starting to finally breathe. Although my ache had now transformed into a physical pain, I began to feel a sense of calm slowly trickle in. There are days when I am convinced that maybe it was all an illusion. Due to the fact that it happened so fast, I start to wonder whether it was real. Was my pregnancy real?
When I see Bambino's new clothes that I had gotten or the sweet socks that I keep close by, I am reminded that it was. How does life actually work? How is it that someone so tiny could affect me so profoundly? It was during this time, when the hurt was so deep that I had to relearn how to accept help. I had to forgive myself just for thinking that I had to forgive my body the same way I would forgive myself for any other mistakes I had made. But, I did not make a mistake, and my body did not fail me. It carries me through each and every day, and even though I didn’t see it at the time, I owe it respect.
Let me know your thoughts in the comment section below, and if you have any specific questions that I may be able to assist with. In addition, you can subscribe to my podcast in iTunes, so that you may be alerted when a new episode and blog is released.
Yve (pronounced Eve) is a Public Health Specialist, Content Creator, Podcaster (www.secretsofyve.com ) and the CEO of the PATESI Foundation (www.patesifoundation.org) and PATESI LLC (www.patesillc.com ). Her family’s blog is located at: www.parentsofdragons.com
